Evolving Past Friendships

In my previous post, Learn, Protect, Let Go, I discussed when to let past experience serve as a reminder and when to let it go in present/future relationships.

In this post, I want to remind you to always be happy relationships happened but remember if they don’t stick, it’s for a reason.

We are an ever evolving species. We are always changing and growing so it makes sense that people grow apart. I have a friend, my oldest friend, of about 20 years (since 4th grade). We were inseparable for most of our friendship. We went to the same elementary, middle and high school. We went to different colleges but we still kept in touch consistently. Then a few years ago we realized that we were growing apart. I was heartbroken when she would say that we were no longer as close as we were or that I wasn’t her best friend anymore; but with some time I realized that she was right. We both started to value different things, want different things for ourselves, like different things, need different things in relationships, and have very different personalities. I realized that there is nothing wrong with this. We are still friends. We will catch up and talk, sometimes,  but we are just not as close as we used to be. We both evolved and grew….apart.

It’s hard to accept when you grow apart from someone you have been or once were so deeply connected to. We all want to hold on. We don’t want things to change or for us to grow apart from the people close to us with whom we’ve cultivated something very special and human. But I’m here to tell you that it’s perfectly normal and healthy. Be happy that you had these relationships – that you met these people. Believe it or not, everybody has brought you something- a lesson, a smile, an experience to remember forever, etc. – no matter how short-lived their presence in your life.

It’s perfectly OK to evolve past friendships because there are more fitting people waiting to fill your life with love. 

This same sentiment goes for lovers and exes who are no longer a part of our lives, but this will be expanded on in the next post tomorrow.

SK

Learn, Protect, Let Go

In my previous post, I highlighted three main points to dealing with the past and living in the present….specifically in relationships. In this post I am going to further discuss one of them.

Learn from the past but don’t let it hold you back. 

It’s hard to strike this balance, so here I offer three scenarios that I hope clarify when to be reminded of the past, when to actively protect yourself and when to let go…and let’s just say I am speaking from experience here.

ONE. They say the best predictor is experience but keep in mind that this is true only when consistently true. Let’s say that you dated someone and he/she cheated* on you once but you are willing to give it another go and then it ends with him/her cheating on you again. I think it’s safe to say that you shouldn’t expect a difference in someone who has already proven that they don’t respect you or are worthy of you.

TWO. Let’s say that you have been cheated on in the past and you are about to start a fresh, new relationship with a new partner. It’s absolutely not fair to assume that you are going to be cheated on again. Don’t have presumptions that this new partner will act like your last. Comparisons are unfair. If you can’t help but compare then you aren’t ready to be in a new relationship.

THREE. Let’s say that you started this fresh relationship with a new partner (and you’ve been previously cheated on by someone else), and she/he ends up cheating on you. I think in this case it’s both a) really really bad luck and unfortunate and b) your responsibility to be more selective when picking your next partner. Sometimes we go for the same types of partners or people and it’s time to branch out from what we are used to so we can experience something better and more worthy of us. 

Learn from the past, but learn to let it go.  Sometimes people will surprise us and act a way we never thought they could but don’t let that stop you from opening up in the future again. Take responsibility of your heart and be more selective. You deserve that.

Most importantly, Don’t let old scars ruin new loves. 

 SK

PS. I used *cheating as the character flaw, negative trait, or wrongdoing in the relationship, but keep in mind you can replace *cheating in these scenarios with anything, and it can be said for friendships and not just love.

Be Open: A Childhood Lesson Not To Be Lost

Children are naive, trusting, accepting, oblivious to differences and overall, amazingly open minded. They don’t automatically or constrictively see race, religion, or handicap, and if they do it generally doesn’t last long. They have this incredible skill to be able to make automatic perceptions or observations and then forget them, not judge, love anyway, try new things, hang around a variety of people, and live in the moment.

There’s something to be learned from that.

Then as these children get older or more personally, as you were growing up, you have to be taught and told consistently and persistently by mentors, role models and elders to keep your minds open and hungry.

Grasp every opportunity and experience as one to learn from. If you live only by your strict beliefs and thoughts and interests then you have decided to confine yourself from everything else this world has to offer. Even if you don’t agree with it, follow it, believe it, like it, love it, want it or need it there is a whole range of realities that we keep ourselves blocked from. Simple subjects like finance, or poetry, enriching things like cultures, traditions and travel, and not so black and white things like theology, and philosophy. 

Never stop learning. To be at your most mentally effective, you need to expand the boundaries of your mind to the very limitless limits. Learn, absorb, learn, experience, learn, learn, relearn, learn.

But most importantly, be open to new things.

It’s so much easier said than done. As we keep aging and keep entering new chapters of our life, we become so habituated into our personal patterns, beliefs and desires that our version of trying new things is reduced to grabbing dinner at the new Greek restaurant down the street. 

It’s sad.

As we grow up, it get’s harder and more complicated to “be open”.

It’s sad.

So here’s a reminder. Keep trying new things. Keep learning things in areas you have no expertise or keep mastering the areas you do. Read. Ask. Try.

But most importantly, learning and being open come from two very neglected sensations- seeing and feeling. 

Keep your eyes and heart open. Don’t be judgmental. Don’t be quick to write things off. Be present. Consciously make observations. See in new perspectives. Feel in new ways. Experience new experiences. Put yourself out there with different people or activities. Do something different than what you usually do. Or experience what you usually do in new ways. Step outside your comfort zone, and allow yourself to be freakishly vulnerable and uncomfortable. Only then will you really be experiencing, learning and living. 

We don’t forget our ABCs or our 123s, so why is it that we lose touch with something as important as being open minded/hearted? 

S.K.

The Chatter Bug: Spend More Time With Others

I spend a lot of time on this blog talking about the relationship you have with yourself. The importance of being able to take care of yourself, hold your own hand and most importantly, love yourself.

Well, I want to shift gears a little for this post.

I believe that relationships are probably one of the MOST important aspects of being alive. They make life a little easier, more fun, and more bearable. I’m not only talking about the  strong bonds you have with your friends or family. I’m talking about acquaintances, people you rarely meet and even strangers. Spontaneous, random, interactive conversation with anybody is a vital part of learning, living and growing.

The people in your life, whether you’ve created bonds with them or not, are an essential part of your quality of life. They provide love, support and some times even strength for you to carry on. Don’t take that for granted. 

1) Family – Every relationship requires effort to sustain and nurture it…even family. I think these are the people we take for granted the most. Most of us even prioritize our friends over family. I just want to remind you that there’s nothing like family. There’s nothing like siblings but there’s definitely nothing like your own parents. 

2) Friends – I know that most of my readers are finishing college or recent graduates. There’s nothing quite like living ten minutes walking distance from every person you love (minus family). Yes, now that you are all doing your own things, it’s definitely harder to spend quality time with your friends. Make sure that you are allowing some time during your week for a phone call. Plan in advance weekend getaways and hang out sessions so it becomes a priority you can’t cancel. Even write emails or snail mail letters on your lunch break just to say you appreciate their friendship. 

3) Older people – I think spending time with older people is incredibly important. Especially as we, the younger generation, fret over the petty things or live through our personal struggles. Older people have more experience, have lived through struggles (sometimes worse than our own), and have more expertise. If you don’t have grandparents or don’t live near them like myself, then spend some time in a nursing home. Not only will you be doing a good deed for your community but you will learn a lot from the people there. It’s a great way to get guidance and to absorb some wisdom or learn old tricks of the trade.

4) Younger people – After having a nephew, I realized how important it is that I act like someone he can look up to. I strive, now, everyday to be the role model he deserves to have as he grows up. If you don’t have younger siblings, nieces or nephews then just keep in mind that you never know when a child is watching you and observing you. Your behavior in public can influence more people than just your own reputation. 

5) Strangers – Simple conversation is all it takes to gain new perspective on life. Next time you’re waiting in line or on public transportation or admiring a stranger’s car/shoes/umbrella….strike up conversation! This is my favorite thing to do. You’ll never know if it’ll make someone’s day, what you’ll learn or who you’ll meet. Seriously! I met Fabolous’ (yes, the rapper) uncle in NY because I struck up random conversation with him at a park while sitting by myself. Before we parted ways, he offered me free tickets/back stage passes to a multi-artist concert. 

Catch the chatter bug. You’ll learn to deal with a variety of people which can foster your own strengths and weaknesses.  You’ll learn stories about the people closest to you that you never knew, you’ll gain perspective from the shortest encounters, and you’ll create a better quality of life for yourself. 

S.K.

Celebrating 6 Months: The Story of The Monkey Bars

When I was a little girl I broke my first bone. How? I was at a friend’s house playing in her backyard trying to see how many bars I could skip while making my way across the monkey bars. Instead of starting with one and making my way up. I went straight to trying to skip every three bars…and BAM…landed on my arm the wrong way.

I used to be the kind of person who pushed myself to the limit. I’m not just talking about as a little girl either. I’m talking about recently…maybe only a year ago, if that. This was good until it became dangerous to my well being. I wanted results, and fast. I wanted to make more progress than I had to work for. I didn’t consider what was realistic. I didn’t believe that I had to actually cross through B to get to C. I thought I could just hop around from A to G to K to X because that’s how things used to be for me in high school and basically all of my life until I started college, got my first lowest grades, took time off, got rejected from a bunch of things and then realized that I was just too stubborn and needed to slow down.

So, here I am. I am still learning but I have definitely changed the way I think and the way I take action. I started this blog from scratch, with some unresolved pain and a passion, 6 months ago as a way for me to remind myself of some things. Now 6 months later, I get email after email with love and support and people (some I know, some I don’t) telling me they can relate and they are inspired by what I write. It’s incredible to me. Yesterday, I was invited to guest appear on a small radio show at the end of the month to talk about the blog and the quarter life crisis. It’s not my big break but it’s a small step in the right direction. A year ago? I would have been discouraged that nothing greater is coming from my hard work.

Now? I know that it’s absolutely necessary to take the small steps. You have to optimize opportunities, no matter how small. They say you have to climb the ladder to success but now I am learning that sometimes there isn’t even a ladder. You have to take your small opportunities (sometimes really, really tiny ones) and stack them up and build them into bigger opportunities. It’s a sequential process. If you take the small steps, with time, you’ll look back and be astounded at how far you’ve come. This way, you gain more experience and knowledge. Yes, it’s hard work and will sometimes end up in failure but that’s how you get emotionally and mentally stronger. I don’t blame the little girl me for aspiring to skip three monkey bars. I blame her for not trying one bar or two bars first. I blame her for not building the strength and muscle (in this case, physically) to fulfill the dream. 

With that said, I want to say thank you to all of you. My friends and family who from the beginning never made me feel silly for having to publicly share my struggles and doubts in myself. My loyal followers. My new followers. And the strangers and acquaintances who came across this blog, and have stayed. This blog is officially 6 months old and it’s only getting better from here.  

S.K.

P.S. If you have issues or crises you’d like me to blog about, go to the contact page and share them with me! If you want to share your own perspective and stories then please submit your own guest post! Finally, if you want to help be a part of a book in the making, fill out the questionnaire! Thank you!